We're in the new studio. There's a gravy hot tub. Dog arses on the wall. It's exactly what you'd expect.

This week: Roman Abramovich arrives at Stamford Bridge, bans the colour red, turns up to training in full kit demanding a kickabout, and has £40,000 worth of sushi flown to Azerbaijan by private jet, despite his mate literally being poisoned in a sushi restaurant. We try Japanese snacks in his honour.